The Phrases from My Parent Which Saved Me as a New Parent

"I think I was simply trying to survive for twelve months."

One-time Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the demands of fatherhood.

But the actual experience quickly proved to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health issues surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver while also looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every change… every walk. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he reached burnout. That was when a chat with his father, on a park bench, that made him realise he needed help.

The straightforward phrases "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get some help. In what way can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more accustomed to discussing the stress on mums and about PND, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan feels his struggles are linked to a wider inability to talk between men, who continue to internalise negative ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and remains standing with each wave."

"It is not a show of being weak to ask for help. I didn't do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, says men often don't want to admit they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - especially in front of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is just as important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to ask for a pause - going on a couple of days abroad, outside of the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the practical tasks of looking after a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will help his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without consistent male a father figure. Despite having an "incredible" connection with his dad, deep-held trauma caused his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says repressing emotions caused him to make "terrible actions" when in his youth to alter how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.

"You turn to behaviours that aren't helpful," he explains. "They may short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Tips for Getting By as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you feel overwhelmed, confide in a family member, your spouse or a therapist about your state of mind. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the activities that allowed you to feel like yourself before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Don't ignore the physical health - a good diet, getting some exercise and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is faring.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - sharing their stories, the difficult parts, as well as the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Know that seeking help isn't failing - prioritising yourself is the best way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead offer the security and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the emotions safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their pain, altered how they communicate, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I feel like my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding an equal amount as you are in this journey."